Dear God, its me, Teri. I want to talk with you about an issue that I have been having with intimacy. You see, for a long time, I have felt very empty inside. Nothing has been able to fill me up. Not my family, not work, not food or alcohol. I have chased relationships with others, finally catching them, only to find no fulfillment. It has been this way for many years.
There are glimpses of what I desired, to be sure. Times when I well up with joy and feel as if I would burst. I attribute those times to the moment or the person that I am with. Most times, I give credit to that remote concept of “being in love”. Only to feel that emptiness of the after-effect of being on an unsustainable emotional high.
I do not consider myself a “holy” person. For a few years, I might have had a “holier-than-thou” attitude, but I live a much different life with a much different perspective now. (Can I hear an Amen?) I gaze in wonderment at people I consider to be “holy”. Mother Teresa, the Dalai Lama, Christ and my favorite saints. They seemed to have a deep sense of intimacy about them, a real connectedness to something I did not experience. They had/have an expression of joy & intimacy on their faces and in their smiles that I only hoped for. And I remain alone. I do not consider myself lonely, for I had surrendered to all that I can on a surface level. But I constantly reach a plateau of dissatisfaction and disappointment.
And yet, something in me keeps searching. I see a man and think, “Hmm, maybe that one.” I seek out a moment or a thing and think “maybe this time”. But nope, not there or there or there. Always glimpses, never the Full Monty. (a movie reference, rent it, ‘nuf said)
Yet, just once…
One day, as I was leaning on the deck railing watching the sun set over the crashing waves at Pajaro Beach, I felt a Presence. A warm, enveloping of my entire being by a Power-filled, Loving energy. It was the deepest, biggest full body hug that I had ever received. It shot me through the heart, pierced my mind and headed directly to my soul. It embraced me for an eternity. Okay, really, just a few seconds. And in that moment, I felt Love. I knew what the mystics of the ages experienced. And I know that I can and have experienced the intimacy that I longingly seek.
My imagination captured a sliver of that moment. My soul longs for another God-hug and my heart holds the memory very close. I know that up to that point, I had been treating God as something external, something that had to be invited in. Now, my perception is changing. I am opening up more and more to the intimacy that I chased, realizing that it has been with me all along. I just need to recognize it. I move through life, of God, in God and with God. I practice stepping closer to this Truth. The more I practice, the more this becomes my reality.
The more intimate I become with my own life, the more intimate I become with God and then the more intimate I become with others. Hardly a vicious circle, more like an eternal one. So God, thanks for listening. Although you already knew all of this about me. I appreciate the patient Being-ness as I catch up. Love, Teri