I continue to marvel at my ability to make really bad decisions. Not only are they bad decisions, but I compound the disaster with a feeble attempt to justify them or shrug them off as no big deal. I coined a new phrase this weekend – “awkward-weird”. It describes situations that you simply must get through, ones that were self-created and completely avoidable, but exist nonetheless. It has a synonym – “crazy-stupid”, and believe me, either phrase describes what happened. I had a choice and it was obvious to me the moment I came upon it.
Remember those cartoon characters – the angel on the right, the devil on the left? They both were physically standing before me and I chose the damn devil- with my eyes wide open, knowing perfectly well how disastrous that choice was going to be. Hmmmpphhh. So much for all those years in catechism, that devil can be instantly persuasive!
It was an achingly emotionless choice – it must have been painful to be outside looking in. Yet the damage is done – I now must move into disaster recovery mode. But how do you recover from a man-made (woman-made) disaster? There are no scores of Red Cross volunteers caravanning across the country to save me; there isn’t even a freaking bandaid in the cupboard that will cover the woundedness (that’s New Agey for embarassment) that I feel.
Step #1 has to be forgiveness. Self-forgiveness to be exact. That has always been a tough one for me, in fact – there has only been a couple of times where I have truly forgiven myself and then only after repeated attempts for the same alleged offense. I know that there is an entire contingent of my friends who believe that all I have to do is ask for forgiveness and I shall receive it – but I believe that God and others are much quicker to forgive me than I’ll ever be. Nonetheless, self-forgiveness is called for, so self-forgiveness, it is.
Step #2 – Confession – by writing this blog, I jumped over Step #1 directly to Step #2 here – but I have officially corrected that, now that I am actively working on the self-forgiveness thing – “I forgive my actions, I forgive my lack of discernment, I forgive chucking common sense”. Now here I am at confession. “I confess that I made a disastrous choice – I hope and pray that the repercussions are not loud and quiet down quickly.”
I never understood confessing to a priest and I understand less confessing directly to God – I mean seriously, she already knows everything – maybe instead of confession it should be called acknowledgement. Confession is really the equivalent of becoming aware. So, I am here this evening to acknowledge that I made a disastrous decision.
I have to confess, acknowledgement feels better than confession! So I am officially replacing Step #2 Confession with Step #2 Acknowledgement! They are my steps, so I get to call them whatever I like.
Step #3 – Get over it, already! For goodness sake! I am working on forgiveness, I’ve acknowledged my poor choice – now I am ready to pull myself out of the muck and mire that I allowed myself to get stuck in.
This one can be a bit tricky – getting over it does not, should not, mean that I get to forget. It means that I don’t get to play the scene over and over in my mind like some really cheesy one-act play. I don’t get to hash it over with all my friends – trying to make myself or the choice look any better.
I get to get over it. I now can tuck away a lesson learned (yet again) and keep my fingers crossed that the angel on the right will beat the crap out of the devil on the left next time. Cuz there will be a next time – there always is!
Thanks for sticking this one out, my virtual confessors (I mean acknowledgers). Without my friends, both real and virtual – that damn lil devil would win every time. And until next time…